Just got the notification today to say it’s been a year. So, I’m thinking like ok, I gotta write something. Originally, I had a plan to thank all people who’ve contributed or supported along the way — but then I remembered who I am… I’m Lewis Sinclair, pshh — taking things a step further is what I do; it’s in my nature, my blood. And so, though there’s a LOT to tell about me as a person, I thought I’d really give the world ME today. Expect blunt honesty, and possibly not my most discreet side (notsorry Professionals *smiles*). I’ll try to keep this story short (not happening), it’s no guarantee telling how long it’ll be...
Might wanna go grab something to eat, take an interval or something? Man, whatever. I might be a little “boring,” so who knows whose interest I’ll hold.
Aight so, a year ago today, I really began my dream-chase to becoming a writer. I’ll be honest with you, have I made a single penny from doing this? No. Have I enjoyed doing this? Shit, if only you knew.
Throughout school days, I found myself feeling like an outcast (though post-school, according to a few people, apparently I was “popular”). Now, to all you I went to school with (if you’re reading), you’ll probably laugh but… be frank, be frank as I do… yeah, I don’t give a fuck.
Bear in mind this is no woe-is-me, and I can’t stand to used the word “oppressed” — so, believe me when I say I don’t want sympathy from anybody but, being a Black pupil, in going to predominantly White schools (both primary & secondary), I never struggled with identity — and to be clear there was no racism— but I certainly felt the difference in culture around certain individuals, as well as unfair stereotyping. I was the one walking to school in a New Era 59Fifty hat (from young, I had an obsession with wearing hats). Often, those were the same hats I’d get told off for wearing in the playground at breaktime. Time and time again, I’ve been branded [a] “Gangsta,” and whether this was people joking or being serious, I didn’t take it lightly at all. Like, if you know me, then you‘ll know that I can sometimes be sensitive person (although prefer to use the word ‘passionate), and have taken a lot to heart. Being somebody always shy and very reserved on the inside restricted me from doing what I want, that’s partly responsible for me not being me in full.
To some who know me by name, the things you’re reading now might sound like a shock but trust me, anybody who knows me…knows. I’ve never really been so much scared to be myself — because I couldn’t try to fit in if I tried — I just knew I was a different individual, and that’s not me trying to say “look at me, I’m special,” that’s actually been me my whole life. There’s a history behind it, and probably for many other people in their lives too. Mine happens to be that I was given hearing aids to wear at the age of 5. Did I wear them? Yeah, when I was forced by my Mom for the first two years before she got off my back. Due to not wearing them, I suffered because of this. As a stubborn kid surrounded by all other kids who seemed what I’d then have referred to as ‘normal’ (plus being bullied by other kids a couple times), I hadn’t much confidence in myself. I think perhaps others may have seen me in another light and picked up my qualities, but I didn’t have that self-belief.
So the void that was my inner-belief comes from that place really. Moving forward in my life to adolescence, I slowly developed the “fuck what they say” attitude, starting to not care about the minor things like people’s words, as I realized that’s what people really do: talk. During all this, I took a back seat, becoming even more observant to actions, which if I’m honest has given me wisdom on how to move, how to react to people. Itresulted in me then picking up the “fuck it” complex and gave me the courage that I long yearned for, to wear my hearing aids. Took me years, maaan. I should’ve listened for sure – because who really does care – and if they do then oh well, ohh... wellll.
I’m 20 years old, and despite my growth (especially this past year) and seeing society in many different spectrums, something that hasn’t changed through growing up is my ambition to win, even through the crushing of many dreams I’ve had which has led to me now keeping more to myself, gained a bigger sense of privacy. Heart full of gold, worn on my sleeve (I can say this and on my life, I mean it):
I know for a fact that one issue that isn’t raised enough, and one brushed under the rug is “identity”. This world is full of characters — I’ve seen this for myself. Varied opinions that rub shoulders tend to cause friction between human beings. There’s clearly a lack of this open-mindedness and understanding if you will. With my own eyes, I’ve witnessed discrimination released unto others and/or sometimes myself, whether this have been live in-person or on social media – Piczo (yeah, them days), to Bebo, to Facebook, to Twitter; and some of you maybe MySpace, man I don’t fucking know lmao – we know this shit happens. I don’t really wanna state the obvious, but if to be told then… that truth is one necessary to be told, for sure.
So yeaah, I had a problem growing up – nothing new, and I’m sure others have too, could probably relate anyway. Trouble fitting in and getting used to getting to grips reality. A lot has been misconstrued, I can’t even begin to tell you about Girls, Sex, and all the etc. That’s another separate story on its own, so I won’t be going there just yet. I found myself but yeah, of course I’ve got a way to go. I mean… who am I to you? Comparison is a bitch, and we don’t need that bitch. Regardless… Be you, Be you.
I genuinely want the best for the world. Human nature, prejudice must be a part of our DNA, and if so, it’s not the end. We can modifythat; it’s all about how we act upon it, what we follow up with. Life isn’t getting any slower, we all know.
This really isn’t about my blog. It’s about me.BUT… in relation to the blog, this essentially isbasically a portion of the story; a culmination of what happened along the way to make me— the me talking to you — who I am right now.Whether it be the gaining confidence, projecting myself unapologetically, I’m getting there, I’ve done a lot to build myself as a person. Without the journey, I don’t think I’d be doing what I am right now, maybe I would but it’s things that happen that’ll lead you to places. Small steps can be like Giant leaps, but your destination is near, believe that. Whole-heartedly, I just want to give what I can and know I’m capable of. I hope you can do that, too. For years I didn’t know what I wanted to do, through those years I was writing and didn’t even realize my talent. Took me being told, and to really open my eyes. So, thankfully I did.
In conclusion. Yes, I’m finally closing this shit up! Thank you to everybody who has supported me, I would do a list of names but I wouldn’t want to miss anybody off. Neutral respect is thrown out to all of you – hope you catch it! To some, I give extra respect just for REALLY supporting me so far throughout the past year. Got sooo much love and time for those.
Lastly… to one person who I most hope reads this… HUGE thank you, to my Auntie Theresa, I love you. Not to say this wouldn’t have been possible, but without that talk a year and a day ago, last year… who knows when I’d have found the motivation to get started. For what it’s worth, and as long as I live, I’ll never forget the message you wrote in that book. Eternally grateful.
The main thing I’ve learned and took from writing in these past 12 months (and this goes back to what I said about my “dream-chase”), is that some things in life you don’t have to learn. Sometimes you are, and you be.
Sister Mary Clarence taught me that. If you’re a 90s baby or were born before, you’ll know… at least you SHOULD!
Well, anyway, she recited this particular quote from the book, “Letters To A Young Poet” by Rainer Marie Wilke:
“If, when you wake up in the morning, you can think of nothing but writing . . . then you are a writer.“
My name is Lewis Sinclair. I’m a writer, and many other thaangs).
To be continued.